Missing you

I've known you all my life,
From the very first day.
You were my very first friend, my first brother.

I've been told you were very protective of me then,
Everyone needing to ask for permission before picking me up.
The times as children when we played together - running at the 'padang'
Cycling on our bikes around the neighbourhood pretending it was an adventure
Running out of the house to the 'roti'-man and grabbing a few buns to only quickly run back home so that mom couldn't make us return the buns.

The countless time you've sent and picked us up from schools,
The many times you've picked me up in the middle of the night from anywhere.
The little and big drives we've taken around near home or far away,
The long drives to find what I love to eat - the  Assam Laksa & Pork Noodles.
The times when they would just be waiting at home for me, all from your indirect expressions of love & care.
The times that you would complain about my requests and giving me a hard time,
But often giving in at the end,
Is how I've realized how much you loved us, but just didn't know how to express it in words.

I can't help tearing each time I think of you, and of your little family,
The two very adorable and very young girls,
And your wonderful wife.
While you were often stubborn, you looked after both mum & dad more than the two of us,
Taking them on holidays and so forth,
You were the one who was home with them while we were away. 
You were never good with words,
But I could see how much you cared.

I can remember the time you've visited Melbourne with A&A,
How happy and excited I was then.
Not only was it you, but also Bernard also came along.
To our first (and now our only) sibling outing together.
The visits to the zoo, the chocolates, the shopping, the food.
How much you loved Pancake Parlour and the distortion mirror.


I miss having my big brother around,
To make me feel safe,
To have someone to call if I ever needed any help,
Or just plainly, someone to have a drink with.

 
My first year home for Chinese New Year in ages and yet, this is how it ended.
Just the day before you left, we were playing gin rummy
You, Bernard, Mummy and me,
All full of laughter and joy.

Things moved on so quickly from there.
One moment we were chatting happily, and the next time I saw you was in the hospital.
Perhaps I was naive or I just didn't want to accept it,
Never did I thought at those time you'll be sleeping on...
Although the many times the doctors have spoken to us, I never lost hope.
Until the time I saw and heard it ... from 80 to 60 to 40... and then there was none.
How did it happen?
Just 10 days ago we had our family dinner
Just 9  days ago we had our reunion dinner
Just days ago, we had laughters, cookies and red packets all around
Just 2 days ago we were playing gin rummy,
And then it was nothing.
There was nothing anymore.


It's been 2 months since you've left us but it hasn't really gotten any easier.
I still tear when I think of you and your kids,
I can't do a consult in the trauma centre without taking a break, without shedding a tear.
Some days I do better, and some days I don't.

When I see other kids with their father, I think of your children
Wondering what the future holds for them.
I will do my best to look after them as my own,
To provide them with as much love as I could.
But it will never replace a Father's love.

I will not take life for granted.
For it has shown me how fragile it can be.

To my older brother,
Who is also a son,
A husband,
A father and,
Friends to many.
We miss you very very dearly.
May you find your peace in the ever after.
Maybe some day we'll meet again, in a world much more wonderful
Filled with only love, joy and happiness. 

To you, my much loved and missed brother